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[05 May 2007|09:26pm] |
this was the first time I swear, and it's ok. I did it beacsue I knew that I was over it all enough finally just to allow myself to check up on your life. I'm a curious girl.
I cried for you a little bit. If I had known this is what you were going to be like I would have predicted that I would be content...triumphant. but it was not a triumph.....I'm miserable. I'm miserable for you.....I think thats called empathy...I'm not too sure...those of you who know me, you know that i am not familliar with the term.
You were so nice. through and through you were such a good perosn. I always envyed that about you. I'm not sure if you are still nice. You may be on the outside...but I know that your ruined underneath your skin. You're not beautiful anymore. You have the same eyes, skin, teeth....but they are no longer beautiful...not to me. Apparently others buy them, but not me. I knew you when you were really beautful...no not beautiful....stunning.
No one has done this to you, you have done it to yourself. I think you believe, in whats left of your insides, that you are happy. You are almost convinced that your transformation was the right thing. This thought gives me comfort. It comforts me because I know the worst is to come. I know what it will be like on the day you realize what you have done to yourself. I'm glad that I will not be near you when this happens. I hope you can somehow pull yourself through that time, because this transformation is permanant. It's not like a teddybear that you can stuff the insides back in and sew it back up with only a little stitch. You have made the monster, now you must live with it.
I know you didn't know that this would happen, you didn't realize you were lettig it get this far. You can no longer diffferntiate between what is real and what you pretended to be real. But whats worse than all of this, you no longer know how to love. You used to love so easily and freely. This I know, is what you will miss most of all.
You wonder how I know this. You should wonder how I could miss it. It pours out of every fiber of your being. It drips out your eyes and mouth, it darken your skin, it ripples from your fingers. The only smile that your crayon white teeth show is one you have thought about, edited and censored. It comes out like a pre-made farce. Every movment is calculated, every response weighed and measure, if not right on the spot, then in some other situation, and then regurgitated back in the form of meaningless words.
I cried for you a little bit. But now i realize I didn' t cry for the thing you have become, but for what you used to be. I cannot cry for you now, because I would be crying over nothing.
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[05 May 2007|12:45am] |
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lets be honest with eachother here.........i really havent done that in a long time and its really having a bad effect on my. karmallically i mean. (i just made up that word in case you were wondering) When I narrate in my head...it doesn't sound like me anymore...it sounds like a british man....I'm guess ing he is about 52 and has that gray/brown sort of hair color. Its thining...but he combs it just so, in order to make the minimum amount of hair cover the maximum amount of area. He has large teeth and very white eyes I think. wrikles around the eye and the mouth. skinny. not very attractive, but for some reason I think he has sex with younger women. probably because of his accent. ANyways, I have this stanger narrating in my head and sometimes he actally has good things to say...but they arent always mine....they start out being mine, but he twists them in his british sort of way and makes them come out all wrong....not wrong, no thats not what I mean....just different.
so this man right, he is aloof, as british men usually are, but when he decides to say something, most often when im writing, i jsut can't get rid of him. ANd I just want to say what i really feel just so it doesnt have to weigh down my organs any longer, but he edits it. He dillutes it and censors it. And then when I'm finnally through and I've used up all ym strenght to in the attempt to pour out my soul in ink, I dont feel that satifaction of freedom from those heavy words. That satisfaction that I craved so much it made me pick up my pen in the first place. Instead I feel stifled, censored, discontent, tense. my jaw tenses up....it gives me a headache.
I wodner if someday this british men and I can become friends. Maybe we can like make a truce or something. He can leave me alone wheni write, and instead he ca occasionally pop in for chats when I can't sleep at nght or something. Right now he hasnt materialized in my mind quite enough to chat with me, but at this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually did.
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[20 Jun 2006|12:46am] |
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livjournallll woahhh like fo rizzle. yesterday was my first day of work, it was pretty delightful....kinda sweaty but fun. some man said he wanted me to have his children.....ya about that haha. anyways ariel is here and we are chillin, just finished justice league movie.....i gotta brush up on the wonderwoman skillsssssss fo work. hahaha. life is good i guess. havent updated in a long time. lots of stuffhas happened but i dont feel like splanin it all...not right now at least. kay so byyeee.
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| fuck teenage love |
[31 Dec 2005|11:56pm] |
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what the fuck is teenage love about? It gets u no where excepts with less time and a very unneede emotional rolercoster. imagine if all the teenagers got back all that time they spent flirting obnoxiously or being with their bf or gf, maybe america could produce hard working intelligent and skilled people, instead of a bunch of fat horny slobs. Where does it all get you anyways? what is the main goal? oh is it that maybe just maybe someday your name will be at the bottom of some uninportant persons profile with a lil <3? wow, great job on that, want a cookie? ya wanna kno where it gets you, it gets u no where. Its not gonnna make you more successful, your not gonna give you a good strong relationship that will last untill death.......nope, if you think that then you are ompletly stupid and wrong. it ets you no where. NO WHERE. and no one freakin wants to see you suck face in public with ur bf or gf that u think is soo great cuz, chances are, you are the only one who thinks that. No one wants to hear about how ur bf or gf broke up with you and hw u cried and then he called back and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH shut ur damn mouth i don give a shit. teenage love is soo cute, soo innocent..........innoscent my ass, if there were no such thing as condoms, practacly every girl oer the age of 14 would have a baby y now. Its not cute, its sick, sick and twisted. bottom line, teenagers are too immmature to have relationships, cant you people at least have enuf self control to shut ur damn bodies up for one second and think b4 u act?...cuz chances are, if your brain was fully developed, you would keep ur pants zipped out of self respect, or respect for others. KEEP HORNY TEENAGERS OFF THE STREETS AND OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS.
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[31 Dec 2005|10:08am] |
im home from school today,and i have high speed internet now, and its a good combination. i crack my knuckes too much lately. idk why but tis just kinda satisfying. i have my first harp gig this saturday, its a wedding for my church. its weird tho cuz i hvanwet seen everyone there in like a million years andthey are a strange group of individuals. they have this idea of what a "holy life" should be like and they al foll0w it and talk about the people who dont. lets just say i think theyve been talking about me and my family alot. in a couple of weeks is winter storm.........world tenor competition! i really need to practise more for it im gettitn really nervous cuz i dont really have anything prepared. well, we will see hoe it goes, wish me luck!!!!
sincerely,
~Karissa Ann (i decided that its just gonne be Ann without the E frmnow on) Whiting
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[23 Dec 2005|07:06pm] |
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they gave away my kitty today. not my black one cuz if they gave away my black one i would just die, but still, im very very sad. Her name was juliette and she was blonde and had really pretty brown eyes and she was fat and i loved her. They are heartless monsters. It seems like i never win in this life. I can never hold on to ANY good thing, i always loose it to someone else.
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[23 Nov 2005|03:57pm] |
i am really crabby and in a very bad mood right now. and im feeling very forward and aggresive. not a good combanation. it bugs me soo much when people just cant deal with shit. like all those stupid kids in pierre county or however u spell it. so what ur life is hard, im sry, but u just have to deal with it and move on. Humans wernt ment to have perfct lives.
especially if people are upset about stupid shit. Like boys or hobbies or school. There are more suicides and self harming among lil snobby kids whose parents give them whatever they want then with people are really sufffering in Africa and Asia.
>>>Stop being stupid attention sucking, compliment craving idiots and get the fuck over it.<<<<<
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[06 Nov 2005|07:15pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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Lack of Color......Death Cab |
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iii misss elljay. i really do. i think i might have stopped updating when i realized that my life isnt really interesting enuff to have stuff to say about it. well right now im in toronto visting britt, lilstening to death cab and feeling very nostalgic. i dunno why, death cab just does that i guess. britt went to grab us a movie with her friend dan and im alone in her tiny appartment. This weekend has been pretty great tho. im one with the college grunggee...like seriously. I've let my hair take on afro qualities and i didnt even straighten it....i even went outside the appartment like that, i've eaten sushi twice, like the real kind with raw fish and everything, ive walked and taken the streetcar/subway everytwhere, and i even took the train alone to get here. its fabulous.....i've decided, my life LA, toronto or soommeeeewherre where things actually happen.
my mommy reads my elljay now and i really wish she wouldn't. The worst part is that she quotes it to everyone. its not that i say anything bad in it or anything but id really like to have just one thing that she isnt a part of......i guesss that is just impossible.
kk im out.
Karissa Ann(e) Whiting
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[01 Oct 2005|08:52pm] |
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yea so seriously i avent updated in like 4 baaagilliontrillion yearssssss, but now i need to cuz shit went down tnight. so it was my first nichols homecoming dance cuz now ya kno im all big 9th grader and all. and my friend was being a retard and she got high and it wasnt cool and i was very angry cuz i was kinda spose to be responsible 4 her but she left me. then i was stupid and afraid and was being a shy werido with person and stuff and then hois other person was pissing me ff and it was weird and yeaaaaa now its weird and im tired and im not reallly making sense i just kinda likethe clicking sound of the keys and sooo yea thats it and wow and i guess ill try to explain making more snese tmor o someday in the future, but maybe not th near future i dunno yet we will have to see hoe things go click click click click thas a really fun word to type click click click
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[22 Jul 2005|09:21am] |
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i love apple chapstick from the canadian dollar store.
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